What Do You Do With the Heartache?

I am often asked how I go on, what do you do with the heartache? I only now can begin to explain the transformation from devastating, gut wrenching sorrow and the transition to a functional existence. The pain now flows as a bubbling brook, existing just beneath my consciousness. Like a stereo in the background it plays its song as daily life slowly resumes.

When I choose I can put my feet in or immerse my body in the flow and reflect on Jason’s life and death. I may think about a happy thought or allow sadness to surface. I control the brook at these times and will allow it to sink into my subconscious when I am ready.

The brook though has a life and soul of its own. Stimuli – a smell, a sound, a place, a friend, a song or a myriad of other events bring the brook to life, sometimes barely tickling my awareness and ebbing other times swelling its banks with giant waves of emotions. These sensations then surge forward often without warning into my consciousness as a torrential storm and a torrent of feelings flood my awareness. Overpowering sadness fills my senses and may even overwhelm or paralyze me. If it is an inopportune time for these thoughts I quickly mount my own mental defenses to stabilize myself until the time is right. If I can immediately manage this deluge of feelings I meet them head on, each instance learning more about my grief and myself. As time passes on occasion these explosions of the brook are less powerful and finally occasionally carry cheerful thoughts instead of sorrow. They may leave quickly but the aftermath can last hours or even days.

Do I fear that this brook will ever dry up? That the memories of Jason over the nineteen years of his life will escape from my mind? No! I know this brook will flow always and in time will give me comfort more often than anguish. Jason’s life will live on in my heart and mind until the day I pass on.